absolutely nothing 1

Wow. You really got to have a different address on the one you previously used? Well, whatever. You know what? We actually have no classes today. Wasn't it amazing? God is really good! I should 've stayed home and blog all I want.
I took a nap then wake up then go downstairs then found my mom screaming at me... again. Was it really f***ing hard not to be angry in a day? It really gets old. I get tired. I get hurt. I get confused. Then I'd cry. And I'd slash my wrist. Kidding at the last part. Here's my question though: How will you live in a home with a person who makes you feel that you're the most useless person in the world? And it's really hard because I don't want to feel this way and because I really do love my mom. I really do love my family. I love them because I can't turn it the other way around. I cannot hate them even if they'd hurt me a thousand times I'd still love them. I will get angry at the time but at the end of the day I'd still love them. It's really hard. To love somebody. Especially when that somebody has been with you since you were born. But you don't get to choose, do you? And if I were asked if I would be given the chance to choose my mother, would I be choosing a different one? You know when i was a child my mom used to slap me. And being young I thought  it's common. I'm always afraid of my mom. And whenever she got angry at me, which was everyday, I would stare hard at her hands and anticipate the pain. You know, there's a lot of things going on my mind right now. And I'm actually crying right now. I've got hundreds of notes about my childhood, about how my mom slapped me, about how i rebelled, about how I find escape on worldly things and about thinking that my family doesn't want me. And I would always cry. I think there's something wrong in my mind. I can't get out of my past. No matter how many times I erase my memories when i wake up, they're still there waiting to haunt you in your dreams.