i dunno

I'm not really good in English. I do not consider myself one since I'm not a native speaker. Though I just love using the language not considering the grammar I use. I don't know where to start. I just want to start a blog and be a pro blogger someday. Hey! Have you read Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky? I got my Blog's title there. The kid's suicidal note. I'm not suicidal though I "consider" doing it when I was young. Hey, I was young. And I don't have really someone to talk to. If I would tell it to my best friend, she'd probably tell it to someone like the adults. And I don't want adults telling me what to do. They just don't get it. Their age is different from ours which they don't see clearly. They claim that they know all but honestly, they tell that because they feel superior over young  minds. They don't know everything because they don't experience everything. What if the child's gone through a different path unlike her parents? Adults. I think I hate them. I don't know why. Maybe if I would get older I would hate myself eventually. And it's sad. It's sad to lose all the innocence. I wish the world is all about candies and playmates and peace and cute animals... Sorry, i can't resist. Anyways, I think it's just good to think that someday adults will learn on children's behavior, where running under the rain with the playmates be enough. But it's just wishful thinking. We're too proud to notice and admire them and learn from them. Well, whatever. I don't choose to don't care. And i don't know what I'm saying right now. Absolutely nonsense. Ya know what? I've got a report on Drama tomorrow and I haven't finished my Prezi presentation and i do want to sleep and I haven't washed the dishes yet and i badly want to watch my favorite show but i missed it and I'm really praying that school would be cancelled tomorrow and I'm terrified because I may not finish it on time and i don't like our first professor and i wonder what it feels like to have a boyfriend and kissing somebody and finally it's raining. But i do wish that there will be no classes tomorrow... Are you pissed? I am. I think I'm high. Well, later. :))

absolutely nothing 3

Then I learned that the way I was treated as a child was not common. I just listen but I do not tell my stories. I learned everything when I was high school. And I got good friends. It's a pity high school got only four years. But even there, i was not happy. You know I think that i missed three- fourths of my life as a child and half of my life as a teen- ager. I was not happy and all I could think about was how it was so unfair that these people get to enjoy their childhood. Get to dance under the rain. Get to play outside not worrying about your mom throwing your clothes out the house. Get to laugh real. Get to mingle with boys. Get to fall in love. Get to be what it takes to be a child. third year and fourth year high school I learned drinking alcohol though I was in the pilot class and I'm maintaining my grades. She was still not happy. And I am too. I thought hanging out with my friends would cure me and I had a great time with them. But I do not regret the things that i do. I don't think taking drugs and smoking would be bad. It would be if we exceed on the limit. But I think it's not bad. It's one way on escaping on reality. Tell me what other BETTER ways to escape reality then i would regret all the things that I've done. though I haven't took any drugs or smoke a cigar. But that time I forgot about God. My mom continued to harass me with words and I continue to harass her with my actions. We were hurting each other until I get to college. I found God there and if weren't for Him I would be physically and emotionally dead by now. My mom from time to time still scolds me but not as much as when I was innocent. Still it hurts me but I just pray to God that maybe someday she would realize that she was wrong and apologize for all the things she robbed of my childhood. And I would apologize for not doing enough even if I try really hard. So for all the moms out there please let your child be a child. Allow her to make mistakes. She will learn from that. You know, even now I'm still afraid of the world. I'm afraid of the things I didn't experience. Especially falling in love. Don't take that away from your child. But be there if she cries at night. Me? No one saw me cry on my problems. I haven't had anyone to talk to except God. And it's good to have Him with me because if not I might be in a mental asylum by now. And listen to her, please. On that way you will know her and she will know that you care. I think it's dumb to say that you know everything about you're child even if you did not. I often thought about that when my mom says that. How will she know if she doesn't listen to me? I think what's wrong about being Asian is so much respect on the elderly that the young ones were to keep their mouth shut because they don't have the experience. You know one thing why I want to explode when I was young was that I was not allowed to say anything but listen. I haven't had the chance to reason and say my feelings. And I was just sitting letting her to hurt me bleeding inside. I was also not allowed to show any kind of being disrespectful like banging things. Imagine that hate building up in your child's chest and she never gets to express it until you just read a suicide note on your refrigerator's door. I was close to that until I met God. I'm close to graduating and I've got big dreams. Just to get away from here and finally learn from experiences around the world. But one thing's for sure. I would never be my mom. The answer from the question earlier: I would still choose my mom, because if it weren't for her i wouldn't be a strong person I believe I am. And I still love her. I can't imagine a world without her. Just like what a family should feel to its members. 

Absolutely nothing 2

 I remember the time she wanted me to join declamation contests and when we were practicing the lines. She would always yank my hair back and forth, slap me on the face, slap me on the butt because I'm crying which upsets the whole practice. But what hurts the most was the words she used to tell me. And I grow up believing that I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm a slow- learner, I'm everything she doesn't want as her child. I won first place on the contest and everyone was congratulating me. I was not happy. I waited my mom to tell me that she was proud of me, after all that's what i want why i entered the competition on the first place. But I tucked myself on my bed thinking if that stupid contest is worth the pain. Then I would always get bad dreams. She was also paranoid on getting perfect scores on quizzes or exams. That's why I'm always slapped because I tried my best not to get a perfect one. Yes, I tried my best not to get a perfect one. I don't know why but when we were getting home i would always ready myself on her. And I grow up believing that I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm a slow- learner, I'm everything she doesn't want as her child.     That went on until I get to high school. And she got disappointed because I'm getting low grades, though I think it was not low on other's perspective. And i do think it's more than enough to reach the next school year. And she would call me stupid, lazy, and curse me real bad. I think that's worse than physical pain because somehow it's indented on your mind or your heart. But I'm trying really hard. And it's hard to be pressured, thinking about your studies and pleasing your mom, and being perfect all at the same time.

absolutely nothing 1

Wow. You really got to have a different address on the one you previously used? Well, whatever. You know what? We actually have no classes today. Wasn't it amazing? God is really good! I should 've stayed home and blog all I want.
I took a nap then wake up then go downstairs then found my mom screaming at me... again. Was it really f***ing hard not to be angry in a day? It really gets old. I get tired. I get hurt. I get confused. Then I'd cry. And I'd slash my wrist. Kidding at the last part. Here's my question though: How will you live in a home with a person who makes you feel that you're the most useless person in the world? And it's really hard because I don't want to feel this way and because I really do love my mom. I really do love my family. I love them because I can't turn it the other way around. I cannot hate them even if they'd hurt me a thousand times I'd still love them. I will get angry at the time but at the end of the day I'd still love them. It's really hard. To love somebody. Especially when that somebody has been with you since you were born. But you don't get to choose, do you? And if I were asked if I would be given the chance to choose my mother, would I be choosing a different one? You know when i was a child my mom used to slap me. And being young I thought  it's common. I'm always afraid of my mom. And whenever she got angry at me, which was everyday, I would stare hard at her hands and anticipate the pain. You know, there's a lot of things going on my mind right now. And I'm actually crying right now. I've got hundreds of notes about my childhood, about how my mom slapped me, about how i rebelled, about how I find escape on worldly things and about thinking that my family doesn't want me. And I would always cry. I think there's something wrong in my mind. I can't get out of my past. No matter how many times I erase my memories when i wake up, they're still there waiting to haunt you in your dreams.